Monday, January 02, 2006
Get Out of the Box
The sky tonight is gorgeous. As clear as you could wish, and every star is visible, cheap diamonds on a black velvet cloak.
I sit outside writing this, looking at it. I was recently given a book by Indonesian poet Goenawan Mohamad. I loved it at once and a verse comes to mind:
Akulah Adam dengan mulut yang sepi
Putra Surgawi
yang damai, terlalu damai
ketika bumi padaku melambai
I am Adam of no word
Heaven's child
at peace, too much at peace
when the earth beckons me
That's right. How easily I let myself be floated away by the atmosphere of a cool night after a whole day of incessant rain. Beer and nicotine running in my veins and I am perfectly, perfectly sedated. I will never make revolutionary work, I'm afraid. I'm too easily soothed.
I have tendencies though. Everyone has tendencies.
Over drinks with T.W. I was told of a dream she had about me. It was so vivid that I vowed to write about it. I hope I have transcribed this accurately:
I am dressed as a clown. My face is white and I have a huge, red, painted clown's smile. I am stuck in a small box on the floor, which in turn is a type of sticker photo booth. I seem determined to have my picture taken and printed. I am horrifying because despite my painted smile and clown's costume, I look very angry. I am trapped behind the box. T.W. yells at me "get out of the box!" I am apparently incredibly stubborn and refuse to do so. I want my picture taken at all costs.
Thoughts? I don't really know what to make of this. Deep down I suspect it is probably a fairly good representation of my situation now. I like metaphors like a kid likes candy, but to be honest I am really disturbed by the image I appear to have generated in the dreams of someone I care about. I have given a close friend a freaky clown nightmare! My refusal to 'get out of the box', even at her behest, strikes a particular chord.
At this time with the sky hanging like a panorama of possibility above me, I resolve to escape from all boxes as soon as I can, pictures be damned! Sometimes other people know you better than you know yourself. Maybe I am not as fearless as I think, far from it.
I sit outside writing this, looking at it. I was recently given a book by Indonesian poet Goenawan Mohamad. I loved it at once and a verse comes to mind:
Akulah Adam dengan mulut yang sepi
Putra Surgawi
yang damai, terlalu damai
ketika bumi padaku melambai
I am Adam of no word
Heaven's child
at peace, too much at peace
when the earth beckons me
That's right. How easily I let myself be floated away by the atmosphere of a cool night after a whole day of incessant rain. Beer and nicotine running in my veins and I am perfectly, perfectly sedated. I will never make revolutionary work, I'm afraid. I'm too easily soothed.
I have tendencies though. Everyone has tendencies.
Over drinks with T.W. I was told of a dream she had about me. It was so vivid that I vowed to write about it. I hope I have transcribed this accurately:
I am dressed as a clown. My face is white and I have a huge, red, painted clown's smile. I am stuck in a small box on the floor, which in turn is a type of sticker photo booth. I seem determined to have my picture taken and printed. I am horrifying because despite my painted smile and clown's costume, I look very angry. I am trapped behind the box. T.W. yells at me "get out of the box!" I am apparently incredibly stubborn and refuse to do so. I want my picture taken at all costs.
Thoughts? I don't really know what to make of this. Deep down I suspect it is probably a fairly good representation of my situation now. I like metaphors like a kid likes candy, but to be honest I am really disturbed by the image I appear to have generated in the dreams of someone I care about. I have given a close friend a freaky clown nightmare! My refusal to 'get out of the box', even at her behest, strikes a particular chord.
At this time with the sky hanging like a panorama of possibility above me, I resolve to escape from all boxes as soon as I can, pictures be damned! Sometimes other people know you better than you know yourself. Maybe I am not as fearless as I think, far from it.
Labels: friends
¶ 2:59 AM
