How To Be a Visual Artist in Malaysia *Remember: If you're not an artist in Kuala Lumpur, you don't count. (If you're an artist in Perak, you count a little)

1. Go to art school. Have as much fun as you can. It's all downhill from there.

2. Learn not to believe people who are optimistic about your financial future. Yes, it is as bleak as you suspect.

3. Get used to the idea of working a shitty part-time job for 5 ringgit an hour to finance your passion. Yes, for the rest of your life. Or until you 'make it'. (Haha)

4. Have you always relied on your parents for food, clothing and occasional bail-outs? Well at least some things'll never change.

5. Smile as your successful friends buy a new car/get married/talk about clothes sales. Remember these are the people you can borrow money from.

6. Did you borrow money from friends? You can lessen the humiliation by joking hollowly about it being a future investment. They can feel a sense of fulfillment by having had a hand in your 'making it'.

7. Depression is your friend.

8. Alcohol is your friend.

9. It is not morally wrong to wish for a rich boy/girlfriend, leech off them for the duration of your ill-fated relationship and then deride them for not being 'deep' enough.

10. Please, for the sake of your sanity, rid yourself of the illusion that being an artist will get you laid. That only happens to architects. Sucks to be you. Wrong career choice.

11. Get to know mamak food really well. You will find yourself eating it on a regular basis. In time, you will be able to identify items on the menu of maximum nutritional value and minimum cost.

12. If you want to 'make it', you should do at least one artwork about race relations in Malaysia. Be sure to offend every religious and ethnic group with well-worn stereotypes and mask your deep ignorance of current affairs with a Baudrillardian sense of irony and futility.

13. Always avoid talking to Dr. Jolly Koh, unless you're bored. If you are an installation artist, prepare to be told you are worthless.

14. Posture arrogantly in a 'ram-you-damn-you-capitalist pigs' way in your art, but suck-up to collectors in real life.

15. Indulge in vehement, unfocused bitching about Valentine Willie Fine Art, but still sell your work there for RM 10,000.

16. If your work is censored or you are detained under ISA, you are god.

17. You will be asked 'what do you do' with annoying frequency. It is not morally wrong to lie and say 'I work for my father'. You could also say 'I'm an artist' and then laugh hysterically.

18. Dream about leaving this god-forsaken rock. It is the one thing that will keep you going. Once you are happily installed in another country, you can love it from a distance and make work about your cross-cultural experience.

19. White people still hold the key to your successful career as an artist.

20. Collaboration is the new Hirst. Jalaini Abu Hassan is the new Syed Ahmad Jamal. Wong Hoy Cheong is the new Wong Hoy Cheong. Kakiseni is the new Balai Seni Lukis. Commenting on Kakiseni is the new Free Speech. Off the Edge is the new Kakiseni. Iraq is the new America. The local police force is the new George Bush. Thank god for ISA as a constant source of 100 percent genuine angst.

21. Money is your enemy. You will fight it the rest of your life. Or until you 'make it'. (Haha) You're not addicted to drugs, you're just self-medicating. You want to have children? What the fuck is wrong with you?

NEXT SOON (OR NEVER): THE TYPES OF ARTISTS

Labels: art

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